I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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