You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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