I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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