He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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