If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
