Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
