just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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