Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
