I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
