I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
