i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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