My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
