whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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