You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
