yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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