can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
