I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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