Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
