i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
