dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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