Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
