ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
