Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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