I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
