Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
