Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
