lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
