I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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