And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
