I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
