why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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