I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
