apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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