if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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