i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
