so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Let's get the cat blown out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
