Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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