we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
