I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
