Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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