so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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