Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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