he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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