So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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