if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
