just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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