I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
