I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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