We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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