i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
