The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
