oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
