How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
