the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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