the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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