omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
