Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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